am i a bad sponsor??

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?

am i a bad sponsor??

Postby KrisF » Tue Apr 04, 2017 6:13 am

Sometimes when my sponsee calls or texts me, instead of being grateful for the opportunity to give back what was given to me, I feel annoyed. After talking to her however and her saying how grateful she is to have me, I feel so guilty and down on myself. I feel selfish and just an a-hole really! Wondering if any other sponsors feel like this and what did you do about it? I did pray before calling her back and that helped but I don't want to feel annoyed in the first place. I do want to continue to be her sponsor.
Thanks for any advice.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why it is called the present"
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby tomsteve » Tue Apr 04, 2017 6:26 am

selfish, self-centeredness- that we thing is the root of our problems.
glad I haven't had that happen......yet....today.... but ive only been up for about 90 minutes. =biggrin
yup, been there.
what ive done about it? welp, I looked at causes and conditions for getting annoyed or not wanting to hear other peoples' problems ( selfish self centeredness- I wanna do what I wanna do when I wanna do it without people interrupting me!) and then during the next conversation with my sponsee bring it up.
sometimes its been fear- fear that I wont have a solution or an answer. that's when I have to get rid of pride and ego and stop thinkin I have to have all the answers.
accept im human and will make mistakes- fix it prompty- 10 step in its simplest form.
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby Brock » Tue Apr 04, 2017 7:31 am

I believe it's quite human to sometimes feel annoyed when we are disturbed by someone seeking assistance, sometimes we may offer assistance but that's quite different. Even the little grandchild we love beyond description, am I supposed to not feel a little annoyed when he disturbs me while I am busy, even if I am busy listening to music, of course in no way do I show annoyance, but I don't think it's wrong to feel it sometimes. This is a human condition, and we might safely quote the literature “we are not saints,” not to justify something, but to explain it.

Also, in the literature eg. step 4 in the 12 & 12, we see things like - “If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands.” It's in a section describing alcoholics as often having twisted relations with others, and I believe some look to a sponsor for answers to silly things, which a little introspection, a little prayer and pondering the problem on their own, would have revealed the answer. For me sponsorship should be much more about teaching a man to fish, than giving a fish each time he asks. I don't have a sponsor myself, but I believe it has made me far better at finding answers by looking within, and to God, rather than depending on a mere human.
The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. B.B. P.113
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby positrac » Tue Apr 04, 2017 8:26 am

I have to ask this: Are you the person who jumps at the opportunity to assist others, really ball of fire and just loves people and the interaction? If you are then check your motives as to being a sponsor because it is suggested we give back and pay if forward and the right reasons answer themselves.

Now if you are one who would rather be left alone and like her privacy then I can see why you are festering right now as this sponsoring deal is not normal to you.

When I actively sponsored I made the decision to be available and I also set boundaries on the stupidity meter as to not get awoken at the crack of dawn just because I had no life..... My point is if you are freely doing this and not because you think it'll change you for the better then the magic will happen and you'll never expect it.


Prayer will speak to you and you'll know your answer when it happens.
A light heart lives long.
-Irish Proverb
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby Noels » Tue Apr 04, 2017 8:53 am

KrisF wrote:Sometimes when my sponsee calls or texts me, instead of being grateful for the opportunity to give back what was given to me, I feel annoyed. After talking to her however and her saying how grateful she is to have me, I feel so guilty and down on myself. I feel selfish and just an a-hole really! Wondering if any other sponsors feel like this and what did you do about it? I did pray before calling her back and that helped but I don't want to feel annoyed in the first place. I do want to continue to be her sponsor.
Thanks for any advice.


Hi Kris :D uhmmm .... dunno .... are you?
Mwah xxx
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby Reborn » Tue Apr 04, 2017 9:12 am

I have experienced this and anyone who says they don't is probably lying. Thing is that I answer even when I don't want to...I do a lot of things in AA that sometimes I don't feel like doing. My whole life I did things based on how I "felt" in the moment...I don't feel like going to work...I don't feel like paying these damn bills...I don't feel like getting out of bed...on and on. AA is program of action...to me that means doing things even when I don't want to do them. Most of the time when I take action my "feelings" move to one side and I get to experience what they talk about on page 89...

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.

Others have mentioned selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our troubles...this rings true for me even today. So I ask God for help and willingness to take action that sometimes I just don't want to do. Don't beat yourself up to bad...as long as your motives are good keep taking the action.
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Apr 04, 2017 10:07 am

Sponsoring is not for everyone. Some people love it. Some people are able to do it with some annoyance or discomfort. Myself, I find I hate it and it is not fair to the sponsee to encounter me. I can answer the phone, but I can't fake good vibes. I have taken personality tests and found that I have zero care take bones in my body. Sponsoring is not for me; I do other service work.
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby Krisscanlon1969 » Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:52 am

Sponsorship not for everyonre but neither is AA recovery. I struggle to be sponsored. I was one briefly as well. A friend is what they really are and I'm now on my 5th one in 5 years I'm ready to not push in any poor direction at this point. I have run out of options but am clean sober. Hang in there and pray my suggestions.
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Apr 20, 2017 4:11 am

Many don't even know what alcoholism is, start sponsoring. Many with multi years sobriety sponsor and are in the same category. Absolutely no idea how an alcoholics state of mind is when they put down the drink. They apply the same rules to everyone. And they wonder why the people they were working with relapse. All you think of sponsorship is attending their phone calls/text is sponsorship people should take a break and study "working with others" and perhaps try sponsorship after that.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby PaigeB » Thu Apr 20, 2017 12:15 pm

I growl almost every time the phone rings. But answering it, despite what I feel like, is principled and I feel better ~ no matter what my initial reaction was! Maybe the lesson has nothing to do with the phone and is meant to get us to pray! LOL.

My sponsor always asked me, "Do you think you can help her?"
When I answered yes, she said, "There ya go!"
and then later...
When I answered no, she said, "Ok then."

:shock: carry on.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby D'oh » Thu Apr 20, 2017 8:52 pm

Since coming back, I have been asked to be a Sponsor twice. The first one, I never even had a chance to lay down the Ground Rules that My Sponsor gave me. He has never been seen in the rooms again, although I have seen him in Public and seems to be doing well, not drinking.

The second was last week, in the Parking Lot after the Meeting. I quickly stated what I expected and the BB was my tool. We texted a couple of times, then 4 days later he went on a Skid Saturday.

But was back in the rooms, Monday and Honest about the slip. Last night he opened up more about "Completely giving our self's to this simple program"

It is like the storey of the Doctor, realizing that something else is doing the Healing, he is just doing some stitching on the way. I truly believe that I have received more Healing from Sponsoring someone, than I have ever contributed to them.
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Re: am i a bad sponsor??

Postby Peter.H. » Thu Apr 27, 2017 1:30 am

The life of recovery is the opposite to the life of alcoholism.
It takes practice to become a recovered person.
As an alcoholic, we were bad examples for patience, tolerance, forgiveness, allowance, listening, honesty, and loving unconditionally.
All these things require practice and a sponsee provides us the opportunity to practice these virtues.

I cannot count how many times my sponsee visited me just when the climax of a movie was about to be revealed. Then having to turn the TV off and answer the door.
"...unless this person can experience an entire psyche change there is very little hope of his recovery" - Dr. Silkworth. [Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Ed, p xxix.]
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