Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

The 12 Steps are the AA program of recovery from alcoholism.
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Seva
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Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by Seva » Wed Mar 06, 2019 2:25 am

I'll be going through step 4 this Friday and I would like some advice.
As the book says alcohol is but a symptom and I've started noticing things that led me to drink which are normally fears and resentments. I'm trying to understand this feeling I keep getting and whether it's a fear or resentment? When I experience it which I did about an hour ago I feel the immediate desire to drink. Luckily I can let it pass.

Basically it's to do with relationships. I separated from my ex 4 months ago and it was a toxic relationship so I've been no contact with her ever since. I need to stay away from her to protect my mental health. I still care about her and probably love her. I keep hearing things about her dating etc and it gives me this gut wrenching feeling. This type of feeling would immediately lead me to drink.

Any advice please?

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Brock
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Re: Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by Brock » Wed Mar 06, 2019 8:33 am

I expect that steps 4 and 5 will lead to much relief, in the book it says after #5 - “The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.” Powerful stuff, and I found this to be true.

I think you shouldn’t look at #4 as something we go through in one day, most find it useful to be writing down our lists under resentments, or under sex harms and so forth, over a little time, certainly a few days. You may find you write something now, then while going about normal business think of something else to add, and so on, so have paper and pen handy.

In this particular problem, which I believe to be a resentment that she is no longer with you, but with someone else, and possibly some fear that you may not find love like that again, these two steps can help greatly. The program has a way to make us feel comfortable about ourselves, and confident that we will succeed in future, in finding love and everything else, it gives us faith. As for the resentment, we are asked in the step as the last thing we do, to find anywhere we have been at fault in the problem which causes the resentment. If we just find anywhere we sort of looked for what happened, take a little blame, we find our resentment towards the person lessens. Of course the book says we can also pray for the person and it works great as well, even if we don’t really mean it, we pray that the person will find whatever happiness they are looking for.

Try to get on with these steps, they are a key ingredient to the AA program and finding some peace in our lives, best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

Seva
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Re: Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by Seva » Wed Mar 06, 2019 8:41 am

Brock wrote:I expect that steps 4 and 5 will lead to much relief, in the book it says after #5 - “The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.” Powerful stuff, and I found this to be true.

I think you shouldn’t look at #4 as something we go through in one day, most find it useful to be writing down our lists under resentments, or under sex harms and so forth, over a little time, certainly a few days. You may find you write something now, then while going about normal business think of something else to add, and so on, so have paper and pen handy.

In this particular problem, which I believe to be a resentment that she is no longer with you, but with someone else, and possibly some fear that you may not find love like that again, these two steps can help greatly. The program has a way to make us feel comfortable about ourselves, and confident that we will succeed in future, in finding love and everything else, it gives us faith. As for the resentment, we are asked in the step as the last thing we do, to find anywhere we have been at fault in the problem which causes the resentment. If we just find anywhere we sort of looked for what happened, take a little blame, we find our resentment towards the person lessens. Of course the book says we can also pray for the person and it works great as well, even if we don’t really mean it, we pray that the person will find whatever happiness they are looking for.

Try to get on with these steps, they are a key ingredient to the AA program and finding some peace in our lives, best of luck.
Yeah I kind of understand that step 4 is an ongoing thing & I will keep thinking of things to add.

I think your bang on with the resentment & fear in my current situation. I fear that she will be with someone else who is better than me. Also, as you say that I may not find anyone else. I know logically that I should be happy for her & just move on but the resentments kick in. I guess my defects of character just as envy, jealousy are also not helping?

I am really looking forward to step 4 & the following steps.

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PaigeB
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Re: Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by PaigeB » Wed Mar 06, 2019 2:11 pm

I am currently learning to let go - again. The early stages of letting go were painful and came in little parts like: I can let go of the screaming all the time. I can let go of the arguments about the car payments.

But also - the prayer - God save me from being angry - pgs 66-67. Part of Step 4. Check it out. I used it A LOT!
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

innermost
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Re: Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by innermost » Thu May 16, 2019 4:14 pm

Step 4 according to pg.65 this is where we sort this out.

3 columns:
I'm resentful at:///// The cause:///// Affects my:

If you notice there are 7 different subjects that they cover under (effects my).
1. Sex relations
2. Self-esteem
3. Security
4. Personal relationship.
5. Pride
6. Pocket book
7. Ambitions

And they have (fear) after each example.
They also have 3 different ways of listing (the cause) & (the effects).
Then the book says to do a (wrongs inventory) or (character defects inventory) then a (fear inventory) then a (sex inventory).
So there are really 4 inventories.
1.(resentment/offense/anger) 2.(faults/character/wrongs) 3.(fear) 4.(sex)
The book does not give us the option to do these all at once. One builds on the next.

My point is nobody can really answer this for you. You answer these things in your innermost self.Put them on paper then Share them with God and another human being.

Of course the book is just a suggestion for how it works. :wink:
The first 164 pg. is the program!

D'oh
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Re: Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by D'oh » Thu May 16, 2019 4:59 pm

3 columns:
I'm resentful at:///// The cause:///// Affects my:

If you notice there are 7 different subjects that they cover under (effects my).
1. Sex relations
2. Self-esteem
3. Security
4. Personal relationship.
5. Pride
6. Pocket book
7. Ambitions
And in the Examples (Fear) Brackets In "Affects My" column.

So there are Resentments, that cause Fears. Therefore, A Resentment can include a Fear. If it Does include Fear, it is a Different Defect, or Multiple.
Notice that the word “fear’’ is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.
PG67.

innermost
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Re: Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by innermost » Fri May 17, 2019 3:59 am

Hey D'oh
Fear and resentment go hand in hand.

I did complicate this post so I did edit it (deleted most of it).
The post I posted above is also over complicated, when I was just trying to say.
The book deals with both resentment and fear in the inventory and they both get dealt with.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

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SaltySoberSailor
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Re: Step 4 help please. Is this fear or resentment?

Post by SaltySoberSailor » Mon May 27, 2019 6:25 pm

I know this is an older thread, but I can relate to your problem regarding your ex. When I first separated from my ex wife 5 years ago, I had similar feelings. I couldn't wait to be done with her, but as soon as we officially split I started having contradicting feelings. Kind of like a really bad hangover: "i'm never drinking again"... or "I cant believe I put up with her S*** for so long". As soon as some time passed I started only remembering the good times (like with alcohol) and began thinking I'd made a mistake. How crazy are we that with years of countless horrible experiences, all we can think about is the few and far between "good times" with a toxic ex... or booze? It's tough to remind yourself of the bad times and how they outweighed the good in both instances. Now, the mere mention of her name sends shivers through me and I hope that someday I'll have that same feeling about alcohol. Good luck to you!
"Your child doesn't understand addiction. They don't care whether it's a choice or a disease. They just want their mom or dad back."

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