I have no idea about what the subject is

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whats_the_use
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I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by whats_the_use »

I had over 18 years sober, living in the Nashville area, and I started smoking pot in the past few months.
The people here where I live in AA don't care about me and they never did. I've lived here for 11 years.
I literally got 2 calls since I stopped going to meetings like 3 years ago.
Nobody calls me to check up on me or to even show they care.
Ever since my sponsor found out I voted for Trump, I was vilified by everyone.
Then I got in an argument with him and subsequently completely ostracized by the group of guys I thought actually gave a damn.
Everyone hates me everywhere now.
All I did was vote in 2016 for 'Cheeto-Hitler' and everyone hates me.
I will probably get banned here for even writing this.
I started smoking pot, well, to use as an anti-depressant.
Actual anti-depressants made me suicidal and I tried about 5 different ones.
So, since its okay for everyone to be taking anti-depressants, I guess I thought I should smoke pot.
What the hell.
When I'm 'under the influence,' I'm okay with myself and those around me.
When I'm not, everything is overwhelming and I just want to go hide and be alone.
I started to hate people.
I started to hate people in AA especially.
I trusted them.
And then they just threw me to the curb.
Those bastards hurt me and I want to hurt them back.
"Oh yeah, resentment, 4th step," you may say.
Did that with a guy on my resentments - actually did multiple 4th steps, but since everyone is involved in their stupid popularity contests, they didn't have time to actually L I S T E N to what I said.
They, "yeah-yeah'd," it and, "poo-poo'd," it because they tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.
It was a big deal to me.
I couldn't get rid of the resentments, then these jerks just piled it on even higher, by adding around 30 lines to a new 4th step.
I knew how to do the work.
It just wouldn't take.
I also am unable to believe in your stupid Judeo-Christian 'god' - your Bibles, Korans, and Torahs. All that Abrahamic nonsense is for the birds. Why would I trust a punishing god that's going to send me to hell for being bad? Screw that.
I want forgiveness, not constant and unending criticism.
I hate this life.
You can have it.
DaveP1951
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Re: I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by DaveP1951 »

Those bastards hurt me and I want to hurt them back.
Ok...... so I have to ask. How is that working for you?
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Brock
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Re: I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by Brock »

Welcome here and sorry AA is not working for you, just a few thoughts from me -
I literally got 2 calls since I stopped going to meetings like 3 years ago. Nobody calls me to check up on me or to even show they care.
Two possibilities, firstly in meetings I go to, (and I don’t go to many), when someone is MIA for a while I have heard it discussed in a meeting sort of ‘has anyone heard from X he hasn't been here in a while,’ and the usual thing is someone says I have his number I will give him a call. He then comes back to the next meeting and says something like ‘X is OK’ or whatever, then everyone in the meeting has shown an interest in X and now knows that he is OK.

Secondly, (and it’s not your fault), this is the sort of thing that can happen when people talk about AA meetings as a 'support group.’ Yes we help or support the newcomer by encouraging him and showing him the solution, he then recovers, and if he comes back to meetings he does so to pass on what he has learned, not for support for himself but for support of the newcomer, kind of paying back for the support he got.

I couldn't get rid of the resentments, then these jerks just piled it on even higher, by adding around 30 lines to a new 4th step.
They are some resentments I believe it’s not possible to completely get rid of, but going over them in my mind and thinking about what the person did or what I will do to them that’s just punishing ourselves, and I don’t like to make myself unhappy so I don’t. That’s not to say I have forgotten, and maybe if the chance ever came I will tell them just how bad they screwed me, but practicing what I will say is stupid, so I stopped doing that.
All that Abrahamic nonsense is for the birds. Why would I trust a punishing god that's going to send me to hell for being bad? Screw that.
Of course, that is nonsense, and if you took the time to investigate with an open mind, you will see that not one religion far less one spiritual practice says anything like that. The whole purpose of AA is to do the steps and have a spiritual awakening, then work on that spirituality and we find that there is a higher power we can depend on and be happy and serene, the book says don’t depend on people they will let you down, and depending on meetings is just that, depending on people.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Hello What's_The_Use. I read your posting last night and, since then, have been thinking of what I might be able to offer which would be helpful.

That's a lot of anger you are carrying around. In the span of a few years, you've gone from sober with a sponsor, to full of anger and smoking pot. Something must have happened.

You also seem knowledgeable of prescription anti-depressants, so that tells me you have a physician willing to help if you ask for that help.

Those are two separate issues: Sobriety and Medical Assistance for Depression.

So first, sobriety. Most people I know who leave AA and come back (the lucky ones are the ones who make it back) all share about a few common reasons they started drinking again (or smoking pot/using drugs). 1) They stopped going to meetings and got away from others in recovery. 2) They stopped relying on their Higher Power. 3) They formed a large resentment and couldn't let it go. Does that sound familiar?

None of that is healthy. The steps of our program help us live serene lives, thereby letting us live happily without the torture of active alcoholism. My first suggestion is for you to get yourself back into our program. Swallow that pride. Set aside that anger. Walk back into the place you know will be able to help you return to sobriety.

Second, medical assistance for depression. I'm not a doctor and I don't have any medical training. Our world has many competent physicians who want to help us. You have had some experience finding that help before and perhaps it is time to return. Your closing lines concern me and I hope you are not planning to do harm to yourself. A good doctor can help, especially if you are totally honest about what is going on.

Life can be good. Very good.

Betsy, an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
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PaigeB
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Re: I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by PaigeB »

whats_the_use wrote: Wed Feb 17, 2021 9:31 pm I had over 18 years sober, living in the Nashville area, and I started smoking pot in the past few months.
I started smoking pot, well, to use as an anti-depressant.
When I'm 'under the influence,' I'm okay with myself and those around me.
When I'm not, everything is overwhelming and I just want to go hide and be alone.
Sounds like you might have a problem with mind altering substances. In MOST of AA, we have a Solution. AA being one of my Higher Powers has worked well enough for me, but I didn't have many haters. An atheist like me gets a lot of sideways glances but mostly I HEARD - keep coming back it works. I am sorry they took your political views and held them against you. I know I was like you "They hurt me and I want to hurt them back" That was me drinking for sure! Politics has been such a hot button topic - I am hoping all that has past now. Love, as a Solution, can be yours too. You might NOT be able to get others to Love back, that is THEIR PROBLEM. But you can still choose to Love.
I also am unable to believe in your stupid Judeo-Christian 'god' - your Bibles, Korans, and Torahs. All that Abrahamic nonsense is for the birds. Why would I trust a punishing god that's going to send me to hell for being bad? Screw that.
Love can be your Higher Power. Step One on page 30 & your inner-most self!
They, "yeah-yeah'd," it and, "poo-poo'd," it because they tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.
It was a big deal to me.
I couldn't get rid of the resentments, then these jerks just piled it on even higher, by adding around 30 lines to a new 4th step.
I knew how to do the work.
It just wouldn't take.
I want forgiveness, not constant and unending criticism.
I hate this life.
You can have it.
Please don't give up. This program may not work if you are still smoking pot... It is kind of like still drinking... The mind altering substances block the path to the Light. I mean I know I wouldn't even try to find Peace if I was still sipping my favorite swill. In sobriety I have to WAIT for Peace - it is not as easy as cracking open a can of beer or striking a match.

I had to change sponsor's at around 7 years of sobriety. Maybe you can try that. Whatever happens, I hope you find SOMEWAY to get through this. Remember the sick man's prayer and the words around it? Page 66-67
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
I shortened it to "God save me from killing that SOB!" It still worked. I had to AVOID retaliation and I didn't always succeed in doing so. But it still worked. Forget about that Judeo-Christian stuff. Labels are kinda worthless when I am in crisis! Besides, science have proved that prayer works on the person who prays - not the answer to the prayer for whatever... I will had that IF I pray for Peace I might get a glimpse at it, but for the most part prayer & meditation work on me & my attitudes. That is why I am in recovery ~ for me.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
1Peter5:10
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Re: I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by 1Peter5:10 »

Hi What's,

Just my two cents:
I don't care about pot smoking per se.

I notice however that among AA's who use pot
1) a few of them seem to use AA meetings to advertise how great pot is.
2) too often notice that AAs mention their pot is, even casually or as a question before during or after meetings have taken a super-fast less-than-honest series of decisions before deciding to use it.
3) Persons in either of the above groups also frequently
- tend to have loud mouths especially on political or social issuesand/or
- tend to have serious and personally harmful authority issues,
- tend to have anger management issues, and/or
- tend to have made up their own "cosign my own preset beliefs" version of a higher power
- can't hold a job.


IOW
I have no opinion about normies or non-alcoholics using pot,
but among AAs who both use marijuana and speak about it in AA settings
many appear to have simply switched from getting drunk to getting high,
and,
years into their so-called sobriety, they have at least one major symptom of a being "a dry drunk."

I feel as sorry for them as for anyone who spends years stuck in early sobriety and I sure as hell hope they don't sponsor anyone.
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positrac
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Re: I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by positrac »

What I'd like to see is when you post this stuff you'd actually stick around and give feedback on this situation you dumped on all of us!

18 years I would of figured you would of known that if people don't like you as you stated then you would go to other meetings until you heard what you needed to hear!

Resentments get us drunk, stoned and dead!

For me I have that grey thing between my ears and it is my worst enemy and can get me in trouble if I allow it to control me!

I'm not cured after 31 years and I make mistakes and have to review me and my motives. But what I've witnessed over the years is if you want what we sober folk have then you'll go to any length to get sober and stay sober. Principles before personalities as in the traditions!

One thing I've learned the hard way is this life is NOT about me and more about how I integrate in society and it is hard because I have no control over anything.

Maybe you'll put your adult pants on and get to getting soberand stop looking for revenge over people who aren't losing sleep over you!
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.
Db1105
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Re: I have no idea about what the subject is

Post by Db1105 »

As my Sponsor used to say, "How many people did you call?"
I stay sober by being of service to others, not others doing S*** for me.
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