I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

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deepfriedhallelujah
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I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by deepfriedhallelujah »

Hi all,

I'm Blake and I'm an alcoholic. I've been in and out of AA for over 10 years now, roughly 8.3 years of that sober. I'll spare the details, but my first run I was 23 and coming off a bad heroin and alcohol problem that sent me into liver failure. 1.5 years of sobriety, I got drunk from terminal uniqueness. Sobered up again in 2012, got spiritual, graduated college, started my career, got married, bought a house and had a kid during the following 6 years. I thought I had arrived and ceased growing as a person.

April of 2018, I relapsed on a plant called kratom that is sold online and in headshops. November 15th last year, my wife, whom I met in AA, caught me and kicked me out of the house. I got sober, lived with AA friends for a while, then got my own apartment.

Maybe because I felt forced into sobriety, I resented the program. My divorce was basically public since we shared the same social circle. A few months in and my wife began dating a member of my old home group. I grew resentful (no. 1 offender, right?) and felt exiled from my usual recovery crew. I did work steps 1-8 but I got focused on dating (I know what you're gonna say) and fell for a gal who drank quite a bit. I didn't think about it much for two months. Then one day I got the itch. I could call somebody or go through with it, I was at that point with 9 months at the time. I got beer and kratom. I told my AA friends about it and explained my experiment, mainly because I "was vaguely aware I wasn't being any too smart." They expressed concern but wished me luck, as they couldn't talk me out of it. The girl I was seeing was unstable enough on her own that she couldn't see my issues clearly, plus being the alcoholic that I am, I was fairly adept at masking.

Fast forward to October this year: my girlfriend broke up with me right after my birthday and that Friday I got fired from my dream job. Still willful, I got back with that girl and pretended to be interested in sobriety to keep people off my back. This past Friday, I drank 17 beers one night and sent that gf a nasty text breaking up with her. I was horrified in the morning but I knew even if I executed that ungracefully, I was in no condition to nurture an already fragile relationship while getting sober.

I have a sponsor and met with him Saturday night. We had a great talk, then I stopped in Walgreen's for some otc meds to assist my withdrawals. Walked out with more beer.

I start a new job tomorrow thankfully, yet making significantly less than my last job. I have a new truck note, tens of thousands in credit card debt, rent, and child support that doesn't lessen based on my new income.

In the past year I've lost my Nana to cancer, my wife, my house, my dog, my financial stability, and the list goes on. The only thing I have left of true value is my almost 2 year old son. I cry imagining him one day hearing about the things I've done and knowing that his parents are apart because I was selfish. I'm the guy they write country songs about.

But it stops here. It has to. It could be worse, sure, but left to my own devices I'll dig a deeper bottom. I've been talking to AA friends and my sponsor throughout the past few days as I pawn all things of value just to float to my first paycheck. At 23 when I first entered AA, I remember not being able to relate to the 30,40, 50 year olds who'd lost everything. At that point I hadn't acquired much worth losing. But now at 34 I'm a low bottom drunk. Jails, institutions or death are waiting for me if I don't let go and let God direct me.

Thanks for taking the time to read and any responses. I know this was a long post.

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Layne
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by Layne »

Hi Blake, glad you are here. I can relate as i relapsed at 5 years of sobriety. It was inevitable though because I hadn't worked the steps. And even though I didn't drink for those 5 years, because I didn't work the steps either, my issues festered and worsened until they exploded in a return to active drinking. My disease had definitely progressed, even without drinking.

I returned to AA a broken man. I worked the steps. I continue to stay in action on what I learned by working the steps. The difference in my life today (16 years later) is amazing. And it keeps getting better, more peaceful, and more serene. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Now for some hard questions. Have you gotten rid of the beer from Walgreens on Saturday night? Have you started in on the steps in the correct order? Now for some straight talk. It might seem harsh, but because you have been sober and in AA before and I figure you can handle it. You said it has to stop now. It doesn't have to, it can continue and get worse. Whether it does or not is entirely contingent upon you and the actions you take. Nothing is to be gained by delaying getting into action on the steps. Do it and don't stop or rest. Your life is worth it.

Peace,
Layne

D'oh
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by D'oh »

The truth is "I can't, but through the Program, I know of Someone who Can."

"Complete Defeat". Everyday is a Gift, The Gift is Sobriety. I can use it, but I never Own it. I must remember, it Isn't Me. I must completely give Myself to this Simply Program. Watch for Resentfulness, Dishonesty, Selfishness, and Fear.

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avaneesh912
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by avaneesh912 »

We had a great talk, then I stopped in Walgreen's for some otc meds to assist my withdrawals. Walked out with more beer.
This is a fragile phase of recovery. We are all vulnerable. And we do run into these blank spots or sometimes hit the peculiar mental twist as the book talks about. Surround yourself among sober members that may protect you if you are willing and quickly dive into the steps so dont carry the heavy baggage of the past and focus in the now.

Good Luck.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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PaigeB
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by PaigeB »

deepfriedhallelujah wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 6:19 pm
Hi all, I'm Blake and I'm an alcoholic.
...
But it stops here. It has to. It could be worse, sure, but left to my own devices I'll dig a deeper bottom.
HI Blake. I was had about 3 years and then I drank for 17 more. Two acts of God ~ a fire (2000) and a flood (2008) ~ did not stop me from drinking. I also lost my father and got remarried late in life (2008) and IT STILL took nearly another year before I was so personally desperate that I took my AA Surrender Chip, aka white chip, on Aug. 1, 2009.

I wish for you the desperation that I had. It sucks to have alcoholism, but it is better than some other disease I can think of AND we have a solution that will allow us to have "the most satisfactory existence" ahead... page 152
A Vision for You...
Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead.
Working the 12 Steps with a sponsor and helping others is the Key. Your experience WILL save the life of another alcoholic. You will not know it though - hence the "Anonymous" way we share. You just DO the work & footwork, be Honest Open-minded & Willing (HOW pg 568) and show up. Your HP and their HP will handle the results.

Blessed Be.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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PaigeB
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by PaigeB »

November 18th

I WAS SLIPPING FAST

We A.A.'s are active folk, enjoying the satisfactions of dealing with the realities of life . . . so it isn't surprising that we often tend to slight serious meditation and prayer as something not really necessary.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS. p. 96

I had been slipping away from the program for some time, but it took a death threat from a terminal disease to bring me back, and particularly to the practice of the Eleventh Step of our blessed Fellowship.
Although I had fifteen years of sobriety and was still very active in the program, I knew that the quality of my sobriety had slipped badly.
Eighteen months later, a checkup revealed a malignant tumor and a prognosis of certain death within six months.
Despair settled in when I enrolled in a rehab program, after which I suffered two small strokes which revealed two large brain tumors.
As I kept hitting new bottoms I had to ask myself why this was happening to me.
God allowed me to recognize my dishonesty and to become teachable again. Miracles began to happen. But primarily I relearned the whole meaning of the Eleventh Step.
My physical condition has improved dramatically, but my illness is minor compared to what I almost lost completely.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Spirit Flower
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by Spirit Flower »

Thanks for sharing Blake. I've heard other stories like yours: Sobriety Loses Its Priority (SLIP).
...a score card reading zero...

Mike O
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by Mike O »

Hi Blake

Thanks for sharing your story with us.
You’re in here now, so stick around. Listen to the amazing experience that all alcoholics share.

😁

D'oh
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Re: I Once Had 6 Years, Now I'm Losing Everything

Post by D'oh »

Every Yesterday, has just brought Us to Today.

Today is the Only Necessary Day to be concerned with. Someone/Something else already has tomorrow Planned out, if We don't mess Today up too much. And Ask for it, Ask for Today's gift, and how to correct Our wrongs of yesterday.

Blake,(if you are still around) I have been down your path. Our Drinking Never gets Better. It takes some of Us time to realize, We Can't. But even Yesterday's path has only lead Us to Today. Make use of it.

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