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Time to change.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 1:59 am
by Kipsley
Where to start?

I'm 52 and I did it again last night. I drank nearly two bottles of Bourbon. This is a very common thing for me to do these days. Wasn't always that bad, but I find I am drinking more as time goes on. I work full time and have been patting myself upon the back that I can get absolutely wasted and yet still show up to work next day with no sign of a hangover or with anyone noticing anything untoward.

Until recently.

Woke up this morning feeling still drunk. Worse, I am noticing some after effects that I find quite disturbing. My fine motor control is getting worse. I find my walking is more and more difficult and I have to watch my steps lest I may trip over my own feet. Forget trying to run. A few weeks ago I went to work and had forgotten to wear a bra. I didn't realise this until about 3 hours in to my shift. My memory is very bad now, my typing slow, my spelling terrible, and I know it's progressive.

Time to change.

My dad has Cerebral Ataxia. It's a progressive degeneration of the Cerebellum that leaves him with a very unsteady (drunken) gait. He's a terrible falls risk and his fine motor control is shot. My Doctor tells me it's not hereditary yet I seem to have the same symptoms, though just beginning. My dad has been and still is a heavy drinker and I am left to wonder if his diagnosis of Cerebral Ataxia might not be alcohol related. And "Yes". I am scared for myself as I don't want to end up like him.

I tell myself everyday that I will stop drinking and tonight is the night. Sometimes I will go an evening with no alcohol and will turn up to work next day feeling very proud of myself, and thinking I don't have to avoid Police RBTs today. Then that evening (and because I am feeling great) I will have a drink. I tell myself it will just be one or two and I'll be in bed by 10:30, but it's always a bottle or so later and after 1:00 am that I end up staggering to bed.

How I feel on those days I manage to not drink is... nervous. Jumpy even. It's like something is missing and I know what it is. I tell myself that I know giving up alcohol is hard. If it was easy there would not be forums like this one nor an AA, but I had no idea how hard.

Right now I feel like absolute rubbish. I've lost a work day through alcohol so it's effecting my day to day life. It's 5:00 pm and I still feel drunk from last night. I certainly can't function normally, even writing this and trying to concentrate is hard and slow right now, but I want to have a "First Day" and I need to make it public so that I may stick to it.

I'm hoping not to drink tonight. There is always alcohol in the house as both my parents (who live with me) drink. I don't want to start convincing myself that a drink will make me feel better (tried that), and I don't want to tell myself a feel great and so will just have one or two and go to bed early (tried that). I just have to stop.

I just have to stop. Don't know what else to say. I'll post again tomorrow, and the next tomorrow, and hopefully the next one after that. I feel the "one day at a time" thing is all I have.

Kipsley

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 4:49 am
by avaneesh912
Welcome to the forums Kipsley, try to visit a f2f meeting and listen to people share. Also grab a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous and try to read the first few chapters. See if you can relate to the disease concept presented in the book. I had to be convinced that I am an alcoholic and that without what is prescribed in the book, I will get back to drinking.

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:50 am
by Jojo2
Kipsley wrote:Where to start?


Time to change.


I just have to stop. Don't know what else to say. I'll post again tomorrow, and the next tomorrow, and hopefully the next one after that. I feel the "one day at a time" thing is all I have.

Kipsley

Welcome Kipsley. You have made a brave step in reaching out. That's a great start !


There is no shortage of support, both here and at face to face.

You might also try the helpline number for your area;

A.A. Near You.

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources

There will also be a meeting list for your location and helpline numbers.
They may be able to arrange transport for you if needed.

To read the Big Book online:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous

This is the Fourth Edition of the Big Book, the basic text for Alcoholics Anonymous.

To help guide you towards the Twelve Steps, we provide a Temporary Sponsor facility here at e-AA.

To be assigned a temporary sponsor, please complete the form here:

http://www.e-aa.org/form_sponsors.php

A temporary sponsor is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous who is willing to share their experience, strength, and hope with another alcoholic as a way of service to help insure their own sobriety.

Their main function is to help guide the new person towards the 12 Steps, and also, where appropriate, to help guide the new person to face to face meetings and a f2f sponsor in their local AA community.

An excellent introduction on sponsorship, permanent or temporary, with questions and answers, is this pamphlet
from GSO :

Questions and Answers on Sponsorship:
http://aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

Please do ask if you have questions or need further assistance.

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:19 am
by Brock
Welcome here Kipsley.

The things you say about your own ‘struggles’ apply to probably all of us here, it’s one of the reasons AA works, we can identify with others who are in pretty much the same boat. From the timeline I guess you are in Australia, I am in the West Indies, others here mainly the US and England, folks around the world, some freezing their stones off and some like you and I feeling the heat, but all with one common thread, we can’t handle booze. I liked how you summed up the problem here -
How I feel on those days I manage to not drink is... nervous. Jumpy even. It's like something is missing and I know what it is. I tell myself that I know giving up alcohol is hard. If it was easy there would not be forums like this one nor an AA, but I had no idea how hard.
It is hard at first, the nervous feeling lasts about three days, and there is no reason not to get something like Valium to help us over that hump. Then we feel good when those hard first few days have passed, and start thinking maybe I made too much a big deal of this drinking business, our mind starts playing tricks and we find ourselves right back in the crap. That is where we need the steps of the program, it’s our defense because as the book says - “Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us.” What we find in doing the steps is a way to feel at ease, they make promises like we will feel happy joyous and free, I didn’t believe it fully when I started AA but knew I had to do something. Well I can assure you it’s true, I now feel relaxed and at ease, and the thought of drinking disappeared half way through the steps, just like they said it would.

The meetings look a bit scary at first, but everyone who was scared to go comes back and says it was really nothing to fear, just some nice people drinking coffee and talking, and we don’t have to talk if we don’t want to, nothing to commit to, come or go as we please.

I will put some links to some literature, and a meeting finder, (I just saw Jojo put one up as well), if you need further help you can also Google for your local AA inter group office or helpline. One thing in AA is recovered alcoholics like to help, and you can ask any further questions here or make any comments, we enjoy having newcomers.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:20 am
by johnd
Welcome Kepsley,
Start today.... Day one.. Seek out a meeting in your area by calling an AA Central Service. Help is always available.. Thanks for the reminder of what my life had been .. Keep Coming That is all we ask of you.


We all understand ....
All the best John D.

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 12:03 pm
by ODAAT
Welcome, Kipsley. Am glad you found us. Am glad you are in the contemplation stage of taking action about your problem. I can identify with your story. I drank like you, I went to work like you, I deteriorated like you. I worried like you do.

Eventually, I did something about my problem. And it saved my life.

Some people cannot drink safely. You could be one of them. I am.

Please stay connected to us. Do post again soon. There is hope.

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 4:02 am
by Kipsley
Well...... I didn't drink last night. I was so at odds with what to do with myself though. I have a coin collection and it's a bit neglected so i spent my evening going through it and prettying it up a bit. Just could not think of anything else to do. Went to bed early. Slept very badly, and so was half asleep in work today. But still...

A Day One.

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 4:26 am
by avaneesh912
It is a difficult phase no doubt, but there is no other way to get around it. All emotions and other maladies will feel like they are coming un-glued. As we slowly embrace the concepts presented as part of the 12 steps, we will start experiencing some relief and slowly slowly we will return to emotional stability. We surround ourselves with sober friends in recovery. Reading the big book will help you sleep!

Re: Time to change.

Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 6:05 am
by ODAAT
Kipsley wrote:Well...... I didn't drink last night...

A Day One.
Good for you! Now work on today.

We like to say that we stay sober one day at a time.

Thanks for posting an update. Do post again...