I feel like a crazy person...

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Ms. Cold
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I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Ms. Cold »

Hi everyone...I'm looking for a bit of advice, and some peace of mind. I've been to AA before but was never fully committed to the program. I'm 3 days sober today and it's the longest I have gone in years. I always think I want to quit drinking but that's usually after a blackout and having to apologize for a number of things I don't remember doing. I feel awful, not drink for a day or even just a few hours and then I'm back at it again. I always tried to quit because I knew it was something I should do, I've suffered serious consequences such as being suspended from work, ruining my reputation, hospital visits and a DUI. I'm just so unhappy now, I can't even enjoy drinking because it's just an obsession for me and I've been angry and bitter about it and all that but I'm over it. I used to be so scared to not drink but finally I've become more afraid TO drink because it might just be the next blackout that gets me killed...I'm finally prepared to give myself over to this and I am prepared to do anything to keep myself from drinking again...

I've been spending the last week reading the BB and pamphlets on AA and getting any information I can on the subject but I need help. Its the cravings. The obsession. The excuses I make to drink when I let my mind wander...is it really worth it? It would be so easy to stop feeling so torn and buy a bottle. Do you really need AA? You are going to fail like always just give in...you need it!
It's so frustrating and exhausting. And I feel crazy because I'm arguing- with myself! I know these thoughts aren't truth but I still can't seem to get them out of my head. I pray and feel better for a little while but then they come back so I pray some more and read some more...I just need help on how I can control this. I'm in a bit of a dilemma because I'm in a foreign country, don't speak the language well, and it will be 6 days before I can get home and run to a meeting and look to someone there for guidance. Does anyone have any help or advice on how they handled the cravings and obsessions I've been feeling in their early days of sobriety? I know it gets better eventually and it's all part of the recovery but I'm so impatient and I don't want to discourage myself before I've even really started. I know I really can't afford to do that anymore...Thanks for listening and for any help.

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Tosh
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Tosh »

Ms. Cold wrote:Does anyone have any help or advice on how they handled the cravings and obsessions I've been feeling in their early days of sobriety?
Yes, I used to download a bunch of speakertapes from XA Speakers and when I really REALLY wanted to drink, I'd do something called 'delaying the first drink' and I'd tell myself that I could drink (it seemed to give me some space), but first I'd have to listen to a speakertape.

And by the time the speakertape had finished; the overwhelming obsession to drink has somewhat abated.

At the same time I learnt a bit about A.A., it's history and it's program and I found a lot of the speakers funny and entertaining too. They took my mind off the way I was feeling and I got a bit of relief.

Of course, eventually, after more fighting with myself, I found a sponsor who guided me through the A.A. program and I found a more substantial relief from my obsession to drink.

Welcome to the forum.

Oh, and I used to post a lot of waffle here in early sobriety (not much has changed; apologies).

Regards

Tosh
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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Brock
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Brock »

Welcome to e-AA Ms. Cold, and congratulations on the 3 days. I used to find that after 3 or 4 days the nerves settle a little and it gets easier to resist the craving, do your best to hold on. But the obsession you mentioned, that always gets us in the end.

It sounds like you have had enough of a beating, so many of us report knowing we should and trying to stop long before we actually do, but we can't concede defeat, at least not until we reach the low point you may now be at.

The book to me made little sense reading it at first, I found looking on you tube under “ Big Book Study by Joe and Charlie “ which is over ten hours long, and putting a short cut link on the screen, listening to a bit each day and following with my book was a great help in understanding, and as Tosh said the other speakers played a part for me too.

But most importantly for me, was I finally believed after years of trial and failure, that the AA program could completely wipe out those terrible cravings and obsession, and it did, never been happier and I pray you find the same answer.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

D'oh
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by D'oh »

Ms. Cold wrote:Does anyone have any help or advice on how they handled the cravings and obsessions I've been feeling in their early days of sobriety?
I have read that Sauerkraut, Crushed Tomatoes, and Corn Syrup works! Sorry, just repeating out of Dr Bob and the Good Oldtimers I have never tried it.

But Thank You for Sharing. It really brings me back. The first time I sobered up, I knew that I couldn't drink anymore. It caused nothing but turmoil and trouble in my life, and it just didn't work anymore. The Good Feelings were gone, just fear, guilt, and remorse were left. The problem was, I didn't know how not to drink. I mean "How can you handle living without it?" There was 4 days of living Hell before I got to a meeting, where I found people that seemed to be able to handle life Sober. They freely showed me how to also.

Anyways after years of the program, living Great. I slowed going to meeting, then stopped. Well you can tell where it is going. In a short time I was Way Worse than the first time. 1 Because I knew there was a way to live without drinking but felt that I did not deserve it and 2, Life continued and seemed to multiply. Well after nearly losing everything including my sanity, I went back and asked for help again.

Nobody judge me, everyone just humbly offered a way out. Simple steps to living 1 Day at a time. You can do it Ms, Cold, your on the right path. 6 days are only Today 6 times.
Last edited by D'oh on Wed Dec 09, 2015 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Niagara
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Niagara »

Hey and welcome to E-AA

I remember that obsession well. I felt like I was climbing the walls. I'd given in so many times before, had no reason to believe this time would be any different. It
was completely and utterly demoralizing.

Good news, and this is what I hung on to for dear life in those early days...if you do the steps to the best of your ability, it doesn't have to be like it is now. This is way more than stopping drinking and being miserable.
I got a shred of hope from listening/reading to how others recovered and what their lives were like now. I already knew how to drink. I already knew that stopping drinking was just pain. Recovery through the steps isn't like that.

Somewhere around step 5 that obsession to drink was removed for me. When I continued to work them, I also found that I felt like I fit in my own skin. I felt right for the first time in my life...that was a massive thing for me. Everything fell into place. I'm no longer under constant self inflicted stress and pressure in the same way, I learned how to think better. I see more clearly. It's a process. Each day/week/month is better than the last, when I do this right. Fighting alcohol is not part of that. As long as I stay well spiritually, it's not even on my radar.

This time 18 months ago I was about where you're at...5 days just off the drink. Hell. On. Earth. I wanted to die, honestly. I just did, and I'm not going to lie about that. I haven't felt like that in a long time now. Quite the opposite. I have a real lust for life, for meeting new people, doing new things, new experiences.

Keep going. Get into the steps...there is so much more out there than the misery you feel right now...the sooner you get into the steps the faster you'll feel relief. In the meantime, sugary stuff helped me. Listening to speaker tapes. Reading here. Eventually meetings (about a week in) but the defense against the drink comes through doing the steps. The rest of that just helps you hang on that little bit longer until you can get well..it's not the solution, just a band aid.

Best wishes - rooting for you!
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt

Robert R
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Robert R »

Hi and welcome, Brock, Do'h and Niagara have pretty well nailed it and I can only say that my experience echoes theirs. It does get easier then through the steps it gets better in ways I could never have imagined. Stick in there girl, you are not alone.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.

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clouds
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by clouds »

Welcome, welcome to you!

I felt like a crazy person the first few days without drinking myself, and so it was a relief to me to see that step two used the word insanity. :)

Chocolate and a peaceful walk if you can just go around the block until your mind settles, ( that is unless there is a liquor store or bar that is like a magnet nearby) if you can get out reflect on the trees, the people etc. try to get out of yourself for a few moments.

Keep reading the AA literature and especially the Book Alcoholics Anonymous.

Everyone has given good advice here for you too.

I used to break it up into one day segments. It wasnt so overhelming to me that way; in other words it wasnt necessary for me to project my worries about how to stay sober through the events coming up next week or next day. I could just focus on today. I was asked by AA people did I think I could stay sober for the rest of the day until bed time. I thought I could and so each night it was such a relief to arrive in bed sober for another day. Then the next morning I only thought about getting through that day sober, not the rest of my life sober for goodness sakes! This, or even hour to hour sobriety, along with reading the book will be a good start as you begin the steps. Sounds like you are doing well at taking step one already.

I'm happy you found us and we all want to help you stay sober and live a happy life.

Maybe you could phone the AA office of the nearest english speaking country and ask them to find someone who could speak with you. I think it would be a good thing to talk to another sober AA peson at this time. There may even be an english meeting near you, I have been in many non english meetings in different places. This may also give you something to focus on that willl be helping your sobriety today.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.

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ann2
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by ann2 »

Welcome :) from another person who discovered e-AA as a foreigner where she couldn't understand the language. I had just moved to Finland when I came here and became part of a world-wide community sharing the solution in A.A. I'm so glad you're here!

I used the literature a LOT, ordering books (aa.org now has a ordering and shipping service) as well as all the wonderful online resources such as Joe and Charlie's Big Book study The Big Book Comes Alive. You'll find it as a downloadable set of speaker tapes at XA speakers but there are also transcripts available online. (I'm more of a reader, I think that's why I didn't really apply all the steps until finding this online group and getting them explained in text.)

The online fellowship has been hugely valuable to me. I hope we can be here for you as well.

Big hugs,

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

Ms. Cold
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Ms. Cold »

Wow... Thank you. Thank you so much. These responses were more than I expected. You guys are amazing.
I'm closing out my 5th day now and I'm almost shocked to say that. I know in the grand scheme of things it's hardly anything but its more than i could speak of before and I have felt SO encouraged to keep going by what you guys have told me. If this insanity can be taken away...what a relief. There's nothing more I desire than to be relieved of this.
Thank you for the advice of the speakers, I've found one man in particular I've been listening to... Chris R. He was recommended by another person on this forum and when I listened to him on xa speakers I found he explained things clearly and could describe me to a T. I can't doubt that I am, in fact, an alcoholic... So it's no wonder I feel like a crazy person. I am one that needs to be restored to sanity. I've tried so hard to find ways around that fact and not have to face it but I can't deny I need a solution and I sincerely think this is it. :lol: I'm feeling hopeful! I haven't started working any steps yet, it's only a few days till I can get home tho and find a sponsor and I want to jump in and start the work immediately. There has been a lot of what clouds said...about breaking it up even into hour by hour sobriety...sometimes I feel like I'm literally focusing on staying sober minute to minute haha. But by God's grace He has gotten me through 5 days and for the first time I actually feel like I'm working towards something. Not just like "what's the point if I'm going to eventually drink again anyway..."
Thank you all so much. Your encouragement has helped me too. Yesterday I was at a friends house having a hard time and I was able to take a moment just to pull this post up and read what everyone had said and it really helped me to put things in perspective. You guys don't even know me and I can tell you genuinely care. Can't express enough what that means to me.

I had another quick question, if you don't mind me asking...just since I'm going to be looking into going to meetings as soon as I get back. I've heard of "home groups" but what exactly does this mean? Would this just refer to a meeting I go to every week and where I'd find my sponsor? Do you search out different meetings and then decide you like a certain one in particular and make that your "home group"? Sorry if that's a stupid question...
I've also heard going to womans meetings is a good thing to do too so I plan to do that.
And one more thing...young peoples meetings. I first got introduced to AA at 19...I wish I could have been more honest with my problem even back then. But I'm 24, almost 25 now and I was just curious of the average age for those?

Thank you again. For everything.

-Megan (aka Ms. Cold)

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avaneesh912
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by avaneesh912 »

I had another quick question, if you don't mind me asking...just since I'm going to be looking into going to meetings as soon as I get back. I've heard of "home groups" but what exactly does this mean? Would this just refer to a meeting I go to every week and where I'd find my sponsor? Do you search out different meetings and then decide you like a certain one in particular and make that your "home group"? Sorry if that's a stupid question...
I've also heard going to womans meetings is a good thing to do too so I plan to do that.
And one more thing...young peoples meetings. I first got introduced to AA at 19...I wish I could have been more honest with my problem even back then. But I'm 24, almost 25 now and I was just curious of the average age for those?
Home group is something you adopt and have it as a base. Where you participate in group conscious (business meetings) for the good of the groups health. Where preferably find your sponsor. Some of the club-house kind of gigs have multiple meetings. Mens, Womens only, YP and mixed. Pick one but that doesn't stop you from visiting with other meetings. Feel free to try various meetings. Stick to literature based meetings, preferably based on Big Book (thats the manual on how to work the 12 steps).

Edit: Its a place where you celebrate your sobriety birthdays.

And the question of age, I am 51 years of age, Indian but now in atlanta, ga.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

Lali
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Lali »

To find your home group, attend all of the various meetings in your area and choose the one where you feel most comfortable. My home group is one that meets daily but I also attend other meetings in town that I enjoy. Plus you can never meet too many fellow alcoholics!

To get a good understanding of alcoholism, read The Doctor's Opinion, More About Alcoholism and There is a Solution.

As stated earlier here, keep sweets on hand for cravings. And drink lots of water to stay hydrated. Lots of water will make the detox easier.

As for young people's meetings, at 24 or 25, I'm sure you qualify. But I suggest that you go to meetings with all age groups as well.

Don't hesitate to ask more questions. That's what we are here for.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

Robert R
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Robert R »

Well done Megan, 5 days sober for an alcoholic "in the great scheme of things" is nothing short of miraculous. A good phrase I was given to use is- Hold the ground you've got- worked for me. My home group is the one I attend most regularly and do service at. The guys and girls there know me well enough to see when I am disturbed or out of sorts before I am aware myself sometimes :roll: My home group sort of chose me because it fitted so well. I suspect you too will know your home group intuitively when you get there.
Looking ahead a little, prudent planning, I'm presuming you will be flying home. That is often a trip wire in early sobriety, free drinks and the crazy thought may come on "no one will know" :lol: You will know! I suggest a good book and sweets are helpful. Something to keep your head and taste buds diverted.
Chris R is a favourite amongst many of us, glad you have found him helpful. You can download him to your phone or tablet and have him handy 24/7.

Robert
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.

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Spirit Flower
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Spirit Flower »

Hi Megan!
Good job on 5 days. Do the steps and you'll never have to drink again. I got sober at 26. And had a much better adult life. I'm so grateful I missed decades of misery.
...a score card reading zero...

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avaneesh912
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by avaneesh912 »

There was one specific talk that I heard 9 years ago made the best impression to me. I was able to identify with the spiritual malady. I don't think they have it on xa anymore. Luckily I extracted that segment and merged with another talk of his in Atlanta. If you wish to have that particular segment or the whole talk send me a private message.

Powerlessness (obsession/craving) and un-manageability (spiritual malady) illustrated at the best. Brother has a way of transmitting the knowledge.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

Lali
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Re: I feel like a crazy person...

Post by Lali »

Free drinks on a plane? What Airline is this? I will recommend it to my friends who drink.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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