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Willingness does not mean want to..so very true

Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:05 am
by Serenity500
Hi all,

I am so glad I found this forum! I have been in and out of the program for 3 years. This last year has been better I tried harm reduction and as a positive I have only been out drinking let's say a total of 10 times or less versus once per week. I binge drink..I am praying to have willingness to do this the AA way. I hate relapses and hangovers who doesn't. Sadly, I drank last night and here I go again feeling crappie about myself but drinking lots of tea and about to make some chicken soup for lunch. I plan on hitting a meeting tomorrow I guess my question is about sponsorship it's hard to find someone that doesn't want to micro manage my life but it's possible I am seeing this as a negative instead of a positive after all you people in AA stay sober mh way is clearly not working so I am going to make a huge effort to listen to people and get a sponsor and take suggestions. I don't want harm reduction I want to be free of this disease for good so logically I know I need to do the work to get better why won't my mind follow. I pray this time I can stop and not deal with miserable hangovers ever again. I am excited about exploring these forums and beginning my journey. I am grateful right now that I found this site and can get support and feedback and share with others.

Re: Willingness does not mean want to..so very true

Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:21 am
by leejosepho
Welcome, Serenity, and there is definitely some solid recovery represented and shared here.
Serenity500 wrote:I guess my question is about sponsorship it's hard to find someone that doesn't want to micro manage my life but it's possible I am seeing this as a negative instead of a positive after all you people in AA stay sober.
The deal there is about simply allowing others (or specifically a sponsor) to show us how to learn to live this out:

"This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." (page 62)

So in that sense, it is God as you understand God who has become our seeming "micro-manager" and someone else has simply helped us with the Steps to get us there.

Re: Willingness does not mean want to..so very true

Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 12:50 pm
by Reborn
Bring the body and the mind will follow...Do the work and you will be contacted. I had the same problems in the beginning...I knew I had to do the work but my mind would not get behind that. My sponsor told me to just be honest and put the work in and the rest will be revealed as you grow. He was right...this not an overnight matter but you'll get out what you put in. Nothing changes if nothing changes!

Re: Willingness does not mean want to..so very true

Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 3:16 pm
by Serenity500
Thank you both for sharing, never thought of it like this before! I am going to give AA another try. I have been reading a lot of positive posts today and it's been inspiring for me.

Thank you both for the warm welcome!

Re: Willingness does not mean want to..so very true

Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 3:28 pm
by Robert R
Welcome Serenity, Looks like you already have a valuable tool in your workbox. An open mind.

Re: Willingness does not mean want to..so very true

Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 3:21 am
by Niagara
Welcome serenity :)

You say you've been in and out of the program for three years....did you ever take the steps? Thoroughly and honestly? Did you try to live by the principles within?

That's where the solution is. Meetings won't get me well. I can't get this by osmosis. I have to put the action in.

Best wishes :)

Re: Willingness does not mean want to..so very true

Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 3:34 am
by tyg
Serenity500 wrote:I want to be free of this disease for good so logically I know I need to do the work to get better why won't my mind follow.
That's alcoholism for ya...pretty Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful, isn't it?!? And, it wants us dead or miserable. The peculiar twists in thinking try to justify reasons to keep running on self-will and own knowledge to get well. Didn't work for me either :? Doing what's proven to work in AA breaks that cycle, and we don't struggle after awhile, it comes automatically. You will see :)
Serenity500 wrote: I guess my question is about sponsorship it's hard to find someone that doesn't want to micro manage my life but it's possible I am seeing this as a negative instead of a positive after all you people in AA stay sober mh way is clearly not working so I am going to make a huge effort to listen to people and get a sponsor and take suggestions.
Yes, negative, that type of thinking is trying to keep you from getting well.

This "set aside" prayer may help you as it did me:
Dear God, let me set aside everything I think I know about You, and me, this program, the 12 Steps and having a sponsor (can add to list), so I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things, please let me see the truth.”

I prayed for a sponsor. I knew nothing about them except that they had 43 years. I wanted 43 years and my gut told me to get their number and call. I called them just about everyday (whether I wanted to or not). By the 4th Step there was enough trust between us to stick with them. They were not trying to micro-manage, but show me a design for living that works. Breaking down the bondage of denial and self-will required doing new things, sometimes made me uncomfortable. I've learned to just, "Kill the brain" and move my feet.


Welcome to the forum, please come back and share your ESH with us.