Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Brock wrote:Powerful share from Merl indeed, as Tosh said the steps will help with any guilt you now feel.

I sat in my car outside the church at my mothers funeral, and downed large gulps of liquid courage to keep me steady during the service. As fate would have it I now attend Sunday morning meetings in a room at the same church, but the guilt of her never seeing me get my sober act together is gone. Someone here suggested writing an apology and burning it, I prayed and apologized as I watched the smoke rise, when I closed my eyes there was a clear vision of her smiling at me.

Your faith is a joy to read, this program can be done with little faith, and this grows as we go along, but with what you have I believe the road will be smoother for you, from chapter five - “In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves.” The work required is small compared to the rewards, best of luck.
Hey Brock,
Thank you for your share. I get how you felt. I was like on autopilot myself. I was sober during her days in the hospital, the wake and the funeral. Afterward I buried my feelings and didn't deal with them. I buried them deep inside. Only I found drinking wouldn't keep them there forever. Hence PTSD and my saying " I can't live this way anymore. I need help." And I found this AA group here and started my sobriety and then got into meetings. Keep going my friend. We'll all get further along with eachother. No man is an island. Stay in touch Brock.
God bless,
Merl

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PaigeB
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Sorry you had a rough day - but LOOK! You made it through without drinking and tomorrow is a new day. Another day in which we all have the choice to make it a good day to treat our alcoholism. I will be going to a 7pm meeting tomorrow! :-)
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

Troy M.
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Merl wrote: I get what you mean about the fellowship. Did you feel like you were immediately, unconditionally accepted? I did. That blew my mind. I never got that before except with my spouse and my in-laws. Hang in there. I'm hanging in there right along with you.

Peace brother,
Merl
I did feel accepted right away, unconditionally, as you put it. I ended up finding a home group that made me feel like I fit and several members were "pushy" enough to expect me to talk to them right away. I've since had coffee several times with a couple different people and we've had some pretty encouraging conversations.

Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Hi Paige,

You know, I just was getting past the severe headaches, the muscle cramping , shaking and dry heaves and I thought to myself, they're not worth going through all of those physical symptoms again. I'm happy that I stayed focused. I slept fairly well last night for the first time that I can remember. In the early part of the year my spouse has some work out of town. I'm going to go along for a little r&r. BUT, I have already ( thank you Robert for mentioning this in one of your posts ) looked up meetings in the locations we will be in. And of course I'll be here online too. Went to my meeting today. Listened. I found myself in some of each of the shares. We're all the same really. And dog gone it, sober, we are amazing! Hats off to you all.

Great day to you all.
Merl

Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Hey Troy,

Glad to see you're hanging in there. Some people will be a little over the top. I had that experience with a member of the meeting group I go to. My temporary sponsor told me to ignore the negative and embrace the positive. I kept that phrase in my head while at my meeting today. I found that there was a lot of positive for me to embrace. So much so I had no room to accommodate negativity.

I'm here for you.
Merl

Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Celebrating 15 days of sobriety. Something I couldn't have even imagined at day one. Thanks so much for all of your encouragement and suggestions. Please keep them coming.

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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Great stuff Merl. Each day lived well prepares me to cope with lifes inevitable ups and downs. People, places and things are still out there waiting to trip me up if I lose sight of my primary purpose. Each day lived well in this simple programme is the best protection for this old alkie.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.

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PaigeB
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Good to hear you're doing well! 15 days is amazing! I remember when I could NOT (edit) give you 15 minutes wait time for a drink without having some sort of internal turmoil! Good on ya! So stay with it - learn lots & practice it! :D
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Spirit Flower
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Congrats Merl
...a score card reading zero...

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Tosh
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Merl wrote:Celebrating 15 days of sobriety. Something I couldn't have even imagined at day one. Thanks so much for all of your encouragement and suggestions. Please keep them coming.
Hey, well done on the fifteen days. But one thing I've found about being sober is that I'm sober, all of the time. That was enough to make me drink again.

And it's something I see repeatedly in newcomers; they come, they're like "Wow" and then a few months later they're bored with A.A. and bored with being sober. We had one recently who when he first came he just fell in love with A.A. and declared he was never drinking again. He never found a sponsor, he didn't do the steps, and three months later he made a conscious decision to leave A.A. and go back drinking. He confided this - in advance - to someone I know.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that right now you're 'feeling one way', but in a few months you might have a totally different attitude towards being sober and A.A., and that might not be good for your future happiness. Alcoholism is described as 'cunning, baffling, powerful' in the Big Book and it certainly is.

My suggestion would be to find a sponsor and get stuck into the steps while you're in this positive mindset. A few months down the line, you may not be so positive.

And I hope I haven't been too negative sounding; I don't mean to be; well done on the sober time; I really mean that.

Regards

Tosh
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Hi Tosh,

Thanks for chiming in with your thoughts. That's what I want. All of the info I can get my hands on and wrap my mind around. It's hard, I'll admit it. But I have to tell you, what I'm hearing in some of the meetings, scares the bajiminies out of me. I mean down right afraid. Seriously. I'm scared to death that if I have a drink I'm going to have a full blown stroke that will put me six feet under. I'm not kidding. Not much scares me. This does. I told my spouse that something someone said at a meeting gave me that "Aha, oh ----" moment. It was brought up that drinking is like picking up a revolver and not knowing what chamber the bullet is in, which drink will be the one that puts you down for good. Spin the chamber, pull the trigger. Click or bang. That was a real eye opener. Hearing what some others have gone through, with the law, health issues, watching loved ones die of the same disease, etc. I'm getting to know some of the people in my group. Some days there's a full room and other days there's not as many. So come, some go, others come. Working on finding someone I can relate to. Reading myself silly too. I'll be a sober person with OCD now!! LOL!!

I welcome any insight. Thanks. Keep it coming.
Merl

Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Spirit Flower wrote:Congrats Merl
Thanks. Just going one day at a time.

Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Robert R wrote:Great stuff Merl. Each day lived well prepares me to cope with lifes inevitable ups and downs. People, places and things are still out there waiting to trip me up if I lose sight of my primary purpose. Each day lived well in this simple programme is the best protection for this old alkie.
Hey Robert,
Good to hear from you. Right now I am making my sobriety priority # one. It's first and foremost. I think about it morning, noon and night. I'm like constantly on guard. Water, soda, coffee, tea, candy, chocolate, the Big Book, meetings face to face, phone calls and texts with group members. I'm all in. Now I just have to remember, one day at a time.
Stay in touch.
Merl

Merl
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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Thanks PaigeB,

Taking my time and soaking in everything like a sponge. One person made a very neat analogy when talking to me about my sobriety. They said,"You have to remember that you've been drinking for more years than you can remember, let's say at least 50. You've been sober for 15 days. Think about it 50 YEARS versus 15 DAYS. That's a BIG difference. And those 15 days are sober days. It's a new way of life. You're relearning how to live. And to live soberly." So, that's what I'm doing. Learning how to live my new life. Good to hear from you.
Merl

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avaneesh912
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Re: Hi. My name is Merl and I'm an alcoholic

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"You have to remember that you've been drinking for more years than you can remember, let's say at least 50. You've been sober for 15 days. Think about it 50 YEARS versus 15 DAYS.
Yes, I think what they are eluding to is the emotional sobriety part. If you want to undertand and realize the "subtle insanity" that precedes the first drink, we will have to read the chapters "There is a Solution" and "More about Alcoholism" where they drive home the fact that if we are alcoholic, our mind will at times, trick us into taking that first drink.

The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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