Sick of It!

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Troy M.
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Troy M. »

Thank you all for the responses and encouragement. 24 hours sober. Had a good night's sleep in the hotel and the outlook looks bright. Spent my "spare" time yesterday in deep thought about my powerlessness and got back to doing a little journal writing to gain a bit more perspective. Great suggestions for tapping back into HP and it is working.

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whipping post
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by whipping post »

Great to hear you got 24 in. I was stuck on step 3 as well. Trying to get past some resentments against holier than thou people like you have described. Trying to figure out exactly what God was and how he worked. Trying to figure out how each step worked. Overcomplicating doesn't even begin to describe it. When I was finally sick enough and didn't think I would ever be relieved of the obsession I broke down and met my sponsor to go over the third step and kept going from there. It didn't take long for the obsession to be removed.

Glad you are back.

Troy M.
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Troy M. »

I expect I need to read the "We Agnostics" chapter again. I'm just not sure what I believe right now.

D'oh
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by D'oh »

Troy M. wrote:I was feeling good in my early sobriety, but like you, I never quite felt right. I made step 1 easy enough, then step 2 pretty quickly, even if I was a bit unsure about God. Step 3 became my battleground and that's where I decided that I could do it on my own. Never made it past there. I've considered myself a believer for most of my adult life, but have been burned by self-righteous preachers and others that spend much time judging others behaviors and choices without actually putting a critical eye on their own behaviors.

Right now I am at the obsessed with drinking stage of life. I don't want to be that way anymore. Guess I need to do some real soul searching about what or who my HP is. I know I can't do this on my own, I've proven otherwise.

I will stay in touch here over the weekend.
Sounds so familiar. Step 1 only took a short look at my life to realize. Step 2 didn.t take that much longer. I was asking for help and the groups seemed to have something. Their storeys were similar to mine but they seemed to be content in life. Step 3 came along and I was stumped. Besides opening meetings and making coffee, how do I turn my will and life over to the group?

Then while in Detox on a Pity Pot (yes 2 months sober for court) My Grand Mother passed. They gave me a pass to go home for her funeral and said I didn't need to return if I didn't want to. I arrived home about 7:00 to find my parents house to be full of drunks, including an Uncle who had sobered up just before me. Luckily I had enough sobriety and there was a meeting at 8:00 in my town. I got through it and went back to finish my 2 weeks in Detox. A 2 hour trip on my Scoot in 45 degrees temps. But I came back with an open mind instead of being on that pity pot.

That night I went out to the meeting. A dark, smoke filled upstairs room. Full of all kinds of people, all seemed happy. Then a fellow named Joe, sitting in a chair that was so low his knees were at the same height as his shoulders said "everyone happy face in this room is not theirs it is God working through them. They are all just messed up Alcoholics as we once were.

That's when I got the belief that "God" as I understood him, could do this for me also, if I turn my will and my life over to him. The rest of the steps then came easy.

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Barbara D.
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Barbara D. »

Ohhh, I had an awful time with Step 1. I had done everything I knew to do to be happy, and I was miserable and more and more obsessed with drinking as a means to sweet oblivion. So I knew my life was unmanageable. But since I only drank twice a week (looking forward to it, doing it, feeling bad because I did it again, looking forward to it...), there was no way I was powerLESS over alcohol. If I could just CONTROL those hostile drunks, I'd be okay. That's what I thought until I accepted the disease concept. Alcoholism is a disease and it certainly progressed at its own pace in my case.

Being agnostic for you and athiest for myself, I didn't think there was any way that I could take Step 2. I talked and talked with others 1 on 1 and in groups because I perceived a religous flavor in the literature. Then I saw that if I had no God (except Nature and lost that special feeling in the Everglades), I must play God in my own life. And, indeed, I expected myself to make the best decisions possible. That hadn't gone too well. I told myself that Fate and Lady Luck were in charge so all I could control was myself. That wasn't working out either. So, literally speaking, I took Step 2 with my Home Group as a power greater than myself. 10, 20, 50 folks had more life and sobriety experience than I did, so they had to be stronger than I was by myself.

Step 3 looked impossible to me. When I became convinced that AA was a spiritual, not a religious, program, I was able to surrender again and take the
Step.

My spiritual awakening happened mostly in bits and pieces along the way through the Steps, having sponsor couples, and going to meetings, meetings, meetings. My concept of a Higher Power has changed over the years and is still going through the process of awarenesses. I am glad I didn't think I had to have my God all figured out for the 2nd and 3rd Steps...or the 12th Step!!!

I believe WE can do this even though all I have to share is my own experience, strength, and hope. In fellowship, Barbara D.

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tyg
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Re: Sick of It!

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Troy M. wrote:I expect I need to read the "We Agnostics" chapter again. I'm just not sure what I believe right now.
I worried too much what my God would be or, what it was. I just decided to turn my will over to the "process" of the Steps as my God. If people were getting sober using it, I had hope I could too. So, I kind of skipped over steps 2 and 3 and prayed to the universe when I was afraid or needed courage to move forward and such. I still don't know what my God is, but...I definitely have one now. One that is all powerful and I can depend on it.

Step 2 says...CAME to believe and..."as the result of the steps" we will have a spiritual awakening. Spiritual Awakening = AKA(to me anyway)...found a God we can relate to.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~

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tyg
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by tyg »

When I got to step 3 my sponsor told me to say the 3rd Step prayer every day. I grumbled about that a bit because I was still struggling there. They told me, "I didn't ask you if you believed in a God, I am only asking that you take time to say the 3rd Step prayer every day." It is by doing that we experience any results.

The point is, Sometimes, I just have to "Kill the brain" and move the feet. I could think myself into a tizzy wanting all the answers before results happen.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~

Larryp713
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Larryp713 »

Welcome back, Troy. I have two thoughts to share:

- you mentioned that you took the first step easily enough... I had thought I took that first step several times, but I never gave it the true consideration it deserves. For me, today, I understand that I have a physical allergy (abnormal reaction) that drives my body to crave more alcohol when I start drinking. I can never be satisfied with drinking one or two beers very long. EVER. That is a myth my mind used to play on me all the time, but it can no longer do that since I truly took the first step. Now, if I decide to drink, it will be with my eyes wide open and I know I am choosing oblivion. The mental obsession, as you mentioned, will always come back quicker than ever before. ALWAYS. That is because this disease I have is progressive. I know that now, and I can't un-know it without a lobotomy.

- reestablishing a faith in a HP. I have always believed in God and known that I chose not to do the right things, so any blessings I had were beyond merit. But I had no real relationship with God. I would pray to Him, then go and do whatever I was going to do. I lived completely on self will and was often restless, irritable, and discontent. When I started with steps two and three this time, I started basic. I changed how I prayed to God and started to have conversations. I used specific terms, such as help me handle this situation better, treat this kid nicer, tell my wife I cherish her... then I started to listen. God speaks to me through inspiration during quiet contemplation or meditation, but most of the time, I hear God through others. Especially in AA. I love talking to people who live in the solution, and I usually hear something from them that tells me what the next right thing is. It is up to me to do it. When I ignore it, I don't get inspired as often and I slip back to my old ways.

The program of AA is a design for living that works. But we can't do it ala carte. If you are uncomfortable with some part of it, throw yourself at it as if your life depends on it. Because it does. Be blessed - Larry
Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny!!!

Troy M.
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Troy M. »

tyg wrote:When I got to step 3 my sponsor told me to say the 3rd Step prayer every day. I grumbled about that a bit because I was still struggling there. They told me, "I didn't ask you if you believed in a God, I am only asking that you take time to say the 3rd Step prayer every day." It is by doing that we experience any results.

The point is, Sometimes, I just have to "Kill the brain" and move the feet. I could think myself into a tizzy wanting all the answers before results happen.
Thank you for this.

Troy M.
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Troy M. »

Larryp713 wrote:Welcome back, Troy. I have two thoughts to share:

- you mentioned that you took the first step easily enough... I had thought I took that first step several times, but I never gave it the true consideration it deserves. For me, today, I understand that I have a physical allergy (abnormal reaction) that drives my body to crave more alcohol when I start drinking. I can never be satisfied with drinking one or two beers very long. EVER. That is a myth my mind used to play on me all the time, but it can no longer do that since I truly took the first step. Now, if I decide to drink, it will be with my eyes wide open and I know I am choosing oblivion. The mental obsession, as you mentioned, will always come back quicker than ever before. ALWAYS. That is because this disease I have is progressive. I know that now, and I can't un-know it without a lobotomy.

- reestablishing a faith in a HP. I have always believed in God and known that I chose not to do the right things, so any blessings I had were beyond merit. But I had no real relationship with God. I would pray to Him, then go and do whatever I was going to do. I lived completely on self will and was often restless, irritable, and discontent. When I started with steps two and three this time, I started basic. I changed how I prayed to God and started to have conversations. I used specific terms, such as help me handle this situation better, treat this kid nicer, tell my wife I cherish her... then I started to listen. God speaks to me through inspiration during quiet contemplation or meditation, but most of the time, I hear God through others. Especially in AA. I love talking to people who live in the solution, and I usually hear something from them that tells me what the next right thing is. It is up to me to do it. When I ignore it, I don't get inspired as often and I slip back to my old ways.

The program of AA is a design for living that works. But we can't do it ala carte. If you are uncomfortable with some part of it, throw yourself at it as if your life depends on it. Because it does. Be blessed - Larry
You are spot on! I think it took this going out again to make me understand my inability to control alcohol. I'm also finding that as the fog has cleared over the past 4 days, I'm not as cynical about God's power to control this. I see that I made the choice to avoid His blessing in relation to alcohol. Right now I don't feel that "Kaboom" like I thought I felt a couple of years ago when He took away the desire. The immediate desire to stop drinking last time was so easy, I see that I started feeling like I was the one in control and started ignoring His will and well...
So I'm all in because my life does depend on Him.

This time, I'm aware of what the withdrawal feels like and have been handling it better. I still don't feel great, even though I feel good - if that makes sense.

Larryp713
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Larryp713 »

It sounds like you are ready to start the work again. I hope you are able to find a person in your meetings that is living in the solution and ask him to work the steps with you. I think you will get that Kaboom again and the desire will once again be removed when you start working the program. Best wishes.
Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny!!!

Troy M.
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Troy M. »

Starting up day 8! Still have not made a meeting. Time at school and working on the house has been pretty much what I'm doing. I am going to a meeting this morning at 7. Need to go shower and shave so I am presentable. The early morning meetings on weekends ought to work for me as my agenda is pretty clear on Saturday and Sunday mornings and the family generally sleeps in quite a bit.

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Re: Sick of It!

Post by BPG »

Troy M. wrote:I expect I need to read the "We Agnostics" chapter again. I'm just not sure what I believe right now.
For me, I first 'came to believe' that my life had some meaning. I didn't know what that meaning was, but I knew what it was not; it was not to get drunk and destroy lives.

Everything else grew from there.

Best of luck to you.

Troy M.
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by Troy M. »

Thanks. Today's meeting went well. I'm a little surprised that some of them recognized me from a year and half ago. Saturday morning open meeting is a small crew. I felt very welcomed and will be going back! I guess you never know what you need to hear until you hear it.

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PaigeB
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Re: Sick of It!

Post by PaigeB »

Welcome back Troy. I was "gone" 17 years and a few people remembered me when I came back in! I am pretty sure we have a soft spot for each other. Like, I remember you from 2 years ago ~ can't say why, but I do! And I am really glad you didn't die out there.

Keep coming back. :D
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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