Day1 arg!

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change
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Day1 arg!

Post by change »

Hi everyone, I am new to this sort of thing but I need all the help I can get. I have been in bed sweating all day and I don't think I will be able to sleep. But the worst part is depression and guilt :(

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Niagara
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by Niagara »

Hey change, Good morning from the uk :)

I remember those days. It wasn't so long ago for me, actually. I got sober in july 2014. I used to look forward to blotting those feelings out with the next drink...then by the end of my drinking, I was so sick of doing that, but had lost the choice in it. If i didn't drink, I felt like I was going insane. The longer I managed to 'abstain' from drinking for, the worse it got. Horrible place to be in, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I remember coming to AA, thinking I just needed to stop drinking. I thought the rest of my life was going to be just trying not to drink, living in that misery and trying to willpower my way through it all, with other people just there to talk to and support me.

I was wrong, and I'm sooo thankful for that. Abstinence alone is painful.

This might sound strange to you. I couldn't believe it myself, at first. I don't think about drinking at all really now. I'm happy in my own skin, I'm not isolated anymore, my life is productive, and for I think the first time in my life, ever, I enjoy being alive. i don't tolerate it, I don't simply survive, I'm living.

How did an alcoholic get to that position? The same way lots of us do...a 12 step program.

First I had to learn what my disease was - because alcoholism IS a disease. It's not that we're weak willed, or plain bad, or just have to try harder.
The fact is, that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically non existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force, the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink
Taken from the Big book of alcoholics anonymous.

And so, with the above in mind, we start drinking again. But we have a physical problem too (refer to the chapter the doctors opinion in the big book - this can be googled and read for free) Our body does not handle drink in the same way as a normal drinker. We drink, and the phenomena of craving starts. One drink, will make us crave more, and so we drink to passout/blackout. We don't mean to, we just can't help it. So the answer is, not to have the first drink, right? It's not that easy for us. We also have an obsession with it. An insane thought that overrides any sane thought. Taking the 12 steps, removed that obsession for me. The 12 steps work on what we're like without the drink. Without a drink, I cannot stand being in my own skin. I'm irritable, restless, discontent...and the obsession will come in and tell me the only way to feel good is to take a drink. I might be able to resist for a time, but eventually I drink, and the craving starts, and then I'm laid in bed, sweating, shaking and full of guilt and shame.

If we work on our spiritual condition, find a new way of being, through the steps, the mind and the body fall into place.

I hope you find what you're looking for here, as I did. Good to have you here :)
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt

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leejosepho
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by leejosepho »

change wrote:...the worst part is depression and guilt :(
"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking...which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." (page 30)

That can definitely be depressing, and that is part of what I actually needed to be convinced of my alcoholism. However, I have also learned drinking is only a statutory offense for the underaged and not a crime -- just quite unwise -- for the alcoholic! ;)
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================

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whipping post
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by whipping post »

Welcome. It doesn't have to be this way. Perhaps you can go to a meeting today. There would be plenty of people there that have been in your shoes. If you google AA Big Book you can get a PDF copy to read on the computer for free or most bookstores carry it. Great reading about our condition.

2granddaughters

Re: Day1 arg!

Post by 2granddaughters »

change wrote:Hi everyone, I am new to this sort of thing but I need all the help I can get. I have been in bed sweating all day and I don't think I will be able to sleep. But the worst part is depression and guilt :(
Are you attending AA meetings in your area?

change
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by change »

Thanks for the support, I made it through my first night it is now 6am here so officially day two has arrived. It was a tough night, its hard to believe I managed to have such crazy dreams with so little sleep. I would like to attend meetings but right now I need to hide out from people. I am a very introverted person, alcohol made me an extrovert.

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Hanna
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by Hanna »

Hi Change,
Happy you found us. I remember vividly the anxiety and guilt I felt my first days of sobriety, the good news is it resolved itself when I began to honestly and earnestly work the steps. This will happen for you also as you work the steps. I have been alcohol free, sober and at peace since June 2012. Looking forward to sharing the journey with you~
Hanna
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace

2granddaughters

Re: Day1 arg!

Post by 2granddaughters »

change wrote: I would like to attend meetings but right now I need to hide out from people.
Actually you need to be with recovering people.
When we get into ourselves (our disease) we make bad decisions based on fear and selfishness.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

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Niagara
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by Niagara »

Hey again Change, glad you made it through the night. It took me a while to sleep normally after coming off drink too. I think also I was about a week off it when I got to my first meeting. Terrified, I was. I think most of us were. It was a needless fear, in the end :)

In the meantime I read the big book online - tough to understand at first, my head was all over the place. I listened to speaker tapes like they were going out of fashion (XA speakers, chris R, Joe and Charlie were my favourites) and i spent a lot of time here too, learning about this disease I have. I didn't know it at the time, but it was good groundwork for getting started on the steps...I came to realize the desperation of my situation, and what I needed to do to move forward from it. I guess I immersed myself in AA, right from the start. Relief came with the steps.

Any questions, shout out :)
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt

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Brock
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by Brock »

Trouble sleeping is very common at first, we have discussed it here a few times in the past. The majority have seen no problem with a newcomer taking over the counter sleep aids. There is one called melatonin which is a substance our brain uses naturally to assist in sleep, perhaps you can consider this.

We don't give medical advice, and before anyone accuses me of that we are speaking of an OTC drug, which many have used without problems. Also I know many who gave up trying to remain sober, just to get a decent nights sleep. Best of luck to you, normal sleep patterns will return in the not too distant future.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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ezdzit247
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by ezdzit247 »

change wrote:Thanks for the support, I made it through my first night it is now 6am here so officially day two has arrived. It was a tough night, its hard to believe I managed to have such crazy dreams with so little sleep. I would like to attend meetings but right now I need to hide out from people. I am a very introverted person, alcohol made me an extrovert.
Hi change and welcome.

Congratulations on making it through your first day without a drink!

If the idea of going to a meeting makes you anxious right now, that's okay. I suggest you call your local AA helpline and ask to speak to an AA member in your area. The helpline will either connect you with someone or take your number and have the first available member call you back, usually within the hour. I think you will find that making some kind of live connection with another sober alcoholic right now will be very helpful to you. When the member call's you back, tell him what you've told us--that you're one day sober and are nervous about going to an AA meeting. He'll understand. All AA members I've met have experienced this same kind of anxiety about their first meeting. If you have questions, please feel free to post them on this board as well.

Keep coming back....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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leejosepho
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by leejosepho »

change wrote:Thanks for the support, I made it through my first night it is now 6am here so officially day two has arrived. It was a tough night, its hard to believe I managed to have such crazy dreams with so little sleep. I would like to attend meetings but right now I need to hide out from people. I am a very introverted person, alcohol made me an extrovert.
I used to be the same way. Where other people looked good to me, alcohol made me feel like they looked.

A week has passed...are you still in the neighborhood?
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================

change
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by change »

I am happy to say I am at the end of day 9 and I feel awesome! I made my first weekend which was not straight forward but I managed. In seven years I had not even managed two nights so I am stoked :D I am now working on my self confidence as I think that is my main driver to drink. I want to get content being me.

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leejosepho
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Re: Day1 arg!

Post by leejosepho »

change wrote:I am happy to say I am at the end of day 9 and I feel awesome...now working on my self confidence as I think that is my main driver to drink. I want to get content being me.
I can definitely identify with wanting to be content within my own skin!

That matter of self-confidence can be a tricky one. Today I am confident in my willingness and ability to do and to continue doing what is necessary so my drinking cannot return, but I first had to learn to separate that from this:

"I felt I had every right to be self-confident...
"In this frame of mind, I went about my business and for a time all was well...no trouble refusing drinks...
"... As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner...ordered a cocktail and my meal...ordered another cocktail...decided to take a walk...it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed...stepped into the bar and had one...several more that night and plenty next morning...a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane...a friendly taxicab driver...escorted me about for several days... Then came the hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering.
"As soon as I regained my ability to think...I now remembered what my alcoholic (A.A.) friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come - I would drink again..."
"I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind...that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots...a crushing blow." (pages 41-42)

So, self-confident about what?
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================

2granddaughters

Re: Day1 arg!

Post by 2granddaughters »

change wrote:I am happy to say I am at the end of day 9 and I feel awesome! I made my first weekend which was not straight forward but I managed. In seven years I had not even managed two nights so I am stoked :D I am now working on my self confidence as I think that is my main driver to drink. I want to get content being me.
Are you attending AA meetings regularly? How are you "working on your self confidence" ?

The answer you seek (if you are an alcoholic like me and millions of others) is here http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf

All the best.

Bob R

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