Opinion Needed

New to AA? Got questions? Here's the place to ask. Note that no one person speaks "officially" for AA. AA meetings in your local area are always the best source of information. Note that anyone may post and reply to messages in this forum.
ladyluxury
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Opinion Needed

Post by ladyluxury »

I am just wondering if my thinking about this is correct. I am almost 5 months sober now, for a little more than 4 of those months my boyfriend continued drinking, not the problem. Roughly 3 wks ago he decided he was done drinking also but has only been to 1 aa meeting. Ok now for opinion part.....if other substances are being used this does not make him sober and in my opinion he should not attend aa meetings if he is not serious about being sober. To me this would be hypocritical to aa and aa members, saying one thing but doing another, as a member myself I feel "slapped in the face". Am I wrong in thinking this way?

Larryp713
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Larryp713 »

Hi Lady! Great question. I can only speak for me - I have the disease of more. I had quit drinking for years and started to use drugs during that time. Even though I did drugs infrequently, I was not sober. I had no peace and still obsessed about getting high or chemically changing my mood. I eventually drank again. I believe that we alcoholics suffer from a spiritual malady. If you fix one chemical dependence with another, you still have not addressed the spiritual malady. The first step is the only step that deals with drinking - the other eleven steps are about living a life founded on spiritual principles.
As you work a program of recovery, remember the best thing you can do to influence your boyfriend, or anybody else, is by experiencing the miracle for yourself. Attraction rather than promotion.
My Mother is celebrating 36 years of sobriety, and the first 25 she lived with my father, who is the most nerve-wracking alcoholic imaginable (and I love him dearly). She tried to save him for years, but always told me she finally felt peace when she accepted that it would need to be God to do that for him. Though her example did not directly impact my Dad, it planted a seed in me. When I was finally ready to surrender, her example was the greatest inspiration for me. It still is.
Congrats on your five months, and I wish you all the best! Larry
Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny!!!

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Layne
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Layne »

I usually have enough work keeping my side of the street clean that I haven't really delved into questions such as the one you posted. Maybe someday I will have a reduced workload and be able to address other issues, but this ain't the day. I am all the work I can handle at the moment.

Good question though and I am sure that others will have ESH to share.

Congrats on your almost 5 months.

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Duke
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Duke »

Congratulations on five months. That's great.

The only requirement for participation is a desire to stop drinking. I don't disagree that what you describe doesn't sound like someone who's very serious about recovery, but I think your reaction is more based on the personal connection.

I suggest you two find different meetings, however. At least for now. Going to the same ones seems unnecessarily distracting to me.

Best of luck to you both.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa

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positrac
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by positrac »

Duke wrote:

I suggest you two find different meetings, however. At least for now. Going to the same ones seems unnecessarily distracting to me.
Agreed as it keeps you working your program and they can work there program and it helps to eliminate the drama. And basically you have nothing to lose by going this way and you may find out more about yourself.

be well
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.

ladyluxury
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by ladyluxury »

Thank you. That is very true of the "the only requirement.....desire to stop drinking" I did not look at it that way, I guess because drinking/drugging either way its a "high". BUT AA is for alcoholics and there is NA for narcotics.

Going to separate meetings is defiantly ideal and I would prefer it that way, however, I know if he wants to go to a meeting he will not go to a different one that me. This is another reason I feel he is not to serious about it. I am going to a meeting tonight and don't really know how to approach the subject of going to different meetings if he says he wants to go, he will blow up and make a mountain out of a molehill.

Well regardless of what happens like all of us here, I have been tested to see if my sobriety comes first, and it defiantly does this just may be another test, I know will ace it.

Stepchild
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Stepchild »

ladyluxury wrote:Well regardless of what happens like all of us here, I have been tested to see if my sobriety comes first.
That I agree with. And I liked Larry's post above. There is a lot of truth there.

Lali
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Lali »

Welcome, Lady. I have heard repeatedly over the years that it is not a good idea to be in romantic situations (dating/sex) at less than one year sobriety. Your situation is a good example of this. Where you should be working on your own program, you are more concerned with his. Five months is good but IMO you need to dig in deep and work on your own program if you want to add time to that and maintain your own sobriety.

I don't recall if you said whether or not you and your boyfriend have sponsors. If so, do they approve of the two of you dating?
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

Chances
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Chances »

A month ago he was drinking. Congrats and good luck to him.
A great first step. I hope you both get the support and understanding we all need

D'oh
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by D'oh »

Yes "the only requirement .... Stop Drinking"

And I have yet to see a person who "Honestly practices these principal in all of our affairs" the using will also end.

D'oh
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by D'oh »

Yes "the only requirement .... Stop Drinking"

And I have yet to see a person who "Honestly practices these principal in all of our affairs" the using will also end.

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ann2
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by ann2 »

I was in A.A. several years and knowingly became involved with an active alcoholic. I was in love, plain and simple. I didn't try to change him but once or twice I think he expressed interest and we went to a meeting. We broke up (I cried for months) and then a few years later he let me know he was sober. He thanked me and shared a memory of a meeting we went to together, which I have no recollection of. Apparently it made a big impact.

He had gotten married and had 2 children. I got married and had 2 children. It all worked out.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

Robert R
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Robert R »

It was suggested to me at early meetings by a wise old alkie (now my sponsor) that my opinions were best left on the bar with my last drink. Take joy from the fact that he came through the door at all, many do not make it that far.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.

Jaywalker Steve
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Jaywalker Steve »

Who am I to tell people how they should live their lives? I drank myself into a state of powerlessness and despair and took all my loved ones down with me and now that I've put the bottle down I can play God? I had to learn that life and sobriety are gifts to be freely given and that others have the freedom to be right and wrong too. In other words, 'Live and Let Live'.
Every group has men and women who put too much thought and effort into their daily sobriety and not enough of themselves into their daily living. - Ed B., Akron, OH

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Roberth
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Re: Opinion Needed

Post by Roberth »

Hello lady luxury and welcome. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. In spite of what people say, AA as a whole deals with alcohol and alcoholism only. Drugs are an outside issue. Our individual opinions should be left out of the rooms. Sorry to sound blunt but I have sat in enough service meetings to hear most of the arguments. Lucky AA our collective group conscience is better that just my opinion. When it comes down to this it better to be good at one thing than mediocre at many.
Robert
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW What a ride!!!!

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